


Don't use Pepper Spray

by Destiel_is_OTP



Category: Phandom
Genre: M/M, Minor cursing, Pepper Spray, Phan AU, Phan Fluff, Phanfiction, Pre Relationship, cringy, fluff!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-08-22 01:17:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8267422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destiel_is_OTP/pseuds/Destiel_is_OTP
Summary: This story is about Phan, or the shipping of Dan Howell and Phil Lester. It is an AU that takes place in Manchester, and Dan is walking home from Tesco. Dan has a can of pepper spray and sprays Phil with it. But it turns out Phil lives on the same apartment floor as him. Dan takes Phil to his place and helps him, and a relationship forms.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I was scrolling on Tumblr and looking for prompts, and I found this one:  
> "I just pepper sprayed you because I thought you were following me, but it turns out you live three apartments away from me. Now you're at my apartment because I wanted to help you, and you just said I was pretty" Could you write this prompt with Dan as the one who pepper sprays Phil?  
> And I decided that it would be fun. For the fic, I actually had to research how to clean pepper spray from your eye. It was weird.

Dan walked down the street, his hands fiddling in his pockets, checking his inventory. Wallet, iphone, random can of pepper spray for protection. He didn’t know why he had grabbed it, he had just been going to Tesco to get milk. Seven more blocks. 

Dan rounded the corner with a strange sense of being watched, or followed. He wanted to see if there was anybody behind him, but if he looked then he would look suspicious. He normally wasn’t this paranoid, but today he had gotten a shitload of hater and stalker comments and tweets. Seriously. Sighing, Dan stopped to take a quick glance behind him. In fact, there was a person. A pale skinned one with black hair and blue eyes. He knew that they were both going their separate ways, but just to test it, he turned the corner to go an unusual route. After a minute he turned around. 

The other boy was still there. Dan began to walk a little faster, and his hand reflexively gripped the pepper spray can a bit harder. Dan… get a grip… it’s literally just a random person walking down the street. He chastised himself. 

Almost to his apartment. Another quick glance revealed that the almost translucent teenager was still on his tail. Dan suspected that this was the time that a normal person would start getting suspicious. Then it happened. Dan, being a massive, clumsy person, tripped over a crack in the sidewalk. He had to, of course, still himself and keep walking. But in the moment before that, he felt a hand grip his shoulder.

Without thinking, Dan yanked the can out of pocket and pressed down.

Bad idea. The person in question, the one who had appeared to be following him, was now covering his face with his hands, his eyes starting to tear up. Dan started to rapidly stammer an apology and lead the boy away from the curb. “I--I’m sorry, I thought you were following me… and I’ve had a really stressful day, and I’m so sorry--I--where do you live?” The boy, who Dan had now noticed was around the same height and age as himself, hesitantly told Dan his address. Dan’s eyes widened. The teenager lived in the same apartment building as him. That must have been why he appeared to be following Dan. “Do you want me to take you to your apartment? I know how to clean pepper spray out of your eye. Here, let me help you.” The teen, who Dan would later learn was named Phil, let Dan help him. Dan was a bit surprised, considering he had just sprayed the kid with pepper.

From experience--a story for another time--, Dan could tell that the other boy was in extreme pain, and probably couldn’t see very well. Dan found the silence a bit unsettling, especially with the occasional sniffle from the other boy that Dan could tell he was trying to repress. 

“I know you probably hate me and want nothing to do with me, but do you think that I could take you to my apartment? This has happened to be before, and I honestly feel horrible about it. My name is Dan, by the way.” The other boy looked up. “My name is Phil. It’s alright, I guess. I’m sorry for causing you trouble.” Dan looked like somebody had smacked him. “Are you kidding me? You did nothing wrong! You were literally walking home from somewhere and got sprayed in the eye by some paranoid idiot with a weird haircut!” Phil’s mouth quirked up a bit. 

“I don’t think your haircut is weird. And I’m okay with coming with you to your apartment, as long as you can actually help.” Dan took a deep breath. “Okay. I’ll do my best. My place is right around the corner. Right… here.”

After fumbling guiltily with his keys for about two minutes, Dan had hustled Phil into the kitchen and started to actually help him. Dan crouched in front of Phil. “Do you wear contact lenses?” Phil nodded, much to Dan’s dismay. “Okay… to properly clean the affected area, you’ll need to remove them. Do you think you can do that?” Phil thought, before slowly nodding. “Do you have a bathroom with a mirror?” Dan nodded and proceeded to lead Phil to his cramped bathroom where there was a strangely clean mirror.

After that painstaking process was over, Dan made Phil sit with a milk soaked washcloth on his face to help reduce the burning. By this time it had been a fairly long time and Phil was getting a bit uncomfortable. Dan, sensing this, took the washcloth off and told Phil to blink fast to tear up his eyes to try and rinse them out while he got some water and dish detergent.

After Dan came back with a bowl full of soapy water, Phil was told to put his face in it for a few seconds with his eyes closed gently. Phil was surprisingly trusting with all these steps, considering he knew nothing about what to do. Dan asked Phil multiple times throughout the process how he was doing, to which Phil responded with short, one word answers such as “Fine” or “Better”. You know, the infuriating ones that don’t actually tell you anything. After the soapy water, the burning sensation was almost fully diminished, and it had been almost an hour since it had actually happened. After a few more steps and ten minutes of Dan making sure Phil was actually alright to go back to his own apartment, they talked for a bit.

"I pepper sprayed you because I thought you were following me, but it turns out you live in the same apartment building as me. Now you're at my apartment because I wanted to help you…” Dan fidgeted with his jacket pocket before opening his mouth once again. 

“And you just said I was pretty.”

Phil was quiet for a moment. “Well, at least you didn’t just walk away. I probably would have been a pancake in the middle of the road if not for you. Well, I guess I wouldn’t have been in the street if you hadn’t sprayed me in the first place… but thanks.” 

After a minute of silence, Dan glanced at his watch. “Well, it was nice meeting you, but that took a lot longer than I thought it would. Want me to walk you to your apartment? Or do you think you can see well enough to get there on your own?” Phil shook his head. “I think I can manage on my own.”

As soon as Phil had left Dan’s apartment and started to walk toward his own, he did something that he never thought he would do on the day that he got sprayed in the eye by a twenty year old named Dan.

He smiled.

And who knew that a guy who carried around and sprayed people with pepper spray would be so darn cute?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil comes over to Dan's house, and they bond over trashy memes and horrible puns. Truly terrible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I just realized the extent of my assholiness when I looked at the time I posted this

A few days later, Dan’s browsing was interrupted by a knock at the door. He wondered if it was his landlord. He hoped it wasn’t. 

Dan opened the door slowly, to find himself staring into the face of Phil. The guy he had pepper sprayed on the way home from Tesco. Was he okay? “How’s your face?” Dan blurted out, then inwardly cringed at his choice of words. “Fine.” Phil responded, making Dan use all of his willpower not to groan at the vague answer.   
Dan held up his hand in front of Phil’s face. “How many fingers am I holding up?” Dan said, mostly jokingly but also a bit concerned. Phil rolled his eyes. “Four.” Dan moved aside to let Phil in.

“Correct. You have passed the entrance test. You may proceed.” Phil laughed. “You know, I’ve only met you twice, but I think you are a very big nerd.” Dan simply made finger guns in response, making both of them cringe. Suddenly, Dan remembered the fact that Phil was probably feeling very awkward. Dan motioned for him to follow and started walking toward the living room. 

“You can sit down anywhere in here. Well, I guess not on the table or something. Um. . Make yourself at home. Uh. Do you… Want something to drink?” Dan almost cringed at his horrible hosting. Phil didn’t seem to be fazed, however. He shook his head. “No. I’m fine. You’re probably wondering why I’m here, though.” Phil laughed tinnily. “Well, you seemed like a cool guy. I mean, except for pepper spraying me. But that’s not important. Anyway, I just wanted to know if we had anything in common. We have the same haircut, at least!” Dan slid into a chair so it would seem less one-sided as he thought of how he should respond to Phil.

“Oh yeah. Almost forgot about that.” Dan looked at Phil’s hair quickly, before pushing back his own signature fringe. Phil’s hair was black. Like seriously, black black. Jet black. Default text for anything and everything black. That could not be natural. Before Dan could stop his huge fucking mouth, he blurted out a question.

“Is your hair dyed?” He tried to make up an excuse. “I- uh- well it’s really black and- I didn’t mean- I’m sorry- It’s really pretty- oh, fuck.” Dan put his head in his hands. Phil giggled. “Yeah. It’s dyed. It’s fine. Thanks for the compliment.” Phil winked, and Dan groaned. “You are such a fucking dork, and I’ve met you twice including this time. And the first time was when I sprayed pepper in your eyeballs.” Phil laughed. It sounded absolutely adorable, like any loved one’s laugh did. “I’m pretty sure that is never, ever not going to be hilarious.” 

“Well, I bet it’s hilarious now! It probably wasn’t when it was fucKING BURNING.” Phil laughed, before sinking down into Dan’s couch. “No offense, but your couch is really… not… couchy?” “Yep. I’m aware. The moral of the story is: Don’t ever order a custom couch from a place. It is literally the worst quality ever. But I’m so used to it, it’s just…” Dan waved his hand behind him. “Still here.” Dan smiled again, and Phil took notice that he had dimples, a more noticeable one on his left cheek. He had two freckles there, making it look like a sad face. Phil pointed it out, and Dan almost doubled over laughing, before excusing himself to go look in the mirror to see it for himself. 

He came back into the room still laughing, his eyes almost tearing up from all of the excitement. “Oh, god. I’m always going to see that now. Like forever. I should make a tweet about it. I have to go through all of my old selfies and see it and groan and facepalm once you leave now. Well, I’m pretty lazy, so I’ll probably never get around to it tbh. So thanks for that.” Dan said jokingly, sitting back down on the couch. 

Phil looked at his watch. Dan noticed, and furrowed his eyebrows. “Are you late for something?” Phil looked up. “What? Oh, no. Just wondering what time it is. I’ve been here for almost twenty minutes.” Dan’s eyebrows went up. “Really? Well, time flies, I guess.” “Yeah.” Phil agreed, fidgeting because he couldn’t think of anything to say.

“What’s your twitter?” Dan broke the awkward silence. “Uh, AmazingPhil? And yours?” Dan blushed slightly from embarrassment. “Well, it was a joke because of something I did when I was twelve, and then it became a sort of branding, so it’s kind of stupid, but…” Dan looked down. “Danisnotonfire?” Phil stifled a laugh. “See! I told you it was stupid.” Phil shook his head. “No, it’s kind of cute. Like a little kid who made a superhero name that sounds dumb but they’re so enthusiastic about it you just can’t find it in yourself to argue. Well, I mean, you certainly aren’t very enthusiastic, but still.” Dan snorted. “Did you just call me adorable? How dare you, I am a vicious killer who can murder you with my bare hands!”

“Sure, Mr. “Danisnotonfire”.” 

“Hey, fuck you!”

And so they bonded, over crappy TV shows and trashy memes, stupid haircuts and idiotic puns. It was a surefire platonic relationship blossoming.

And if cards were played right, maybe even a romantic one would come to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't expect an update for like twelve years okay  
> Keep your standards really fucking low


End file.
